You know what I find extremely challenging to do when times get stressful? I find it hard to be kind to myself. Does that sound silly to you? It does to me, yet it’s really quite problematic.
See, when I’m not kind to myself, I don’t stop for water breaks or stretch breaks. I stay up way too late trying to get huge amounts of things done after a full day of accomplishment. I tell myself my hair looks weird or that nothing I choose to wear is suitable for the occasion. All of these little negligences and critiques add up to creating a pretty huge torrent of negative treatment if they go unchecked. It’s like there is a leak in the roof of the house. And I am the house. A tiny leak is easy to catch in a mixing bowl until I can get around to climbing up the ladder and patching the roof. But say there are leaks all across my roof and the drips have turned into streams and I don’t have enough containers in my kitchen to position under each leak. Oops. I’m in trouble now. If I put off finding a solution, I might end up having to invest in fixing the roof, the attic, the ceiling and potentially even the puddled floor, which would be a lengthy and pricey endeavor. Better to monitor leaks before they turn into emergencies.
Monitoring in this symbolic scenario would be paying attention to the thoughts I direct toward myself. I might be dissatisfied once in a while, with my performance at work or with a funky outfit I threw together, and actually, small critiques could induce positive adjustments, like figuring out that a particular class activity I recently assigned was not very productive. Rather than mourn my mistake or rage or chide myself, I could choose to ponder and reflect. Considering what aspects of the activity didn’t bring the results I sought, I could think of some new activity ideas to try out next time. Same goes with choosing an outfit. So what if I wore something peculiar or clashy or ill-fitting? I probably won’t wear it again, and a little brainstorm might fuel ideas for what I could fashion into more impressive attire for next time.
In his piece, “How to Be Kind to Yourself and Still Get Things Done”, author, coach, and teacher Leo Babauta writes that, “most of us are judging ourselves, beating ourselves up, looking harshly at our shortcomings and flaws, a lot of the time. It’s why we’re stressed, anxious, frustrated, and disappointed so often”. With this in mind, think about the way you envision yourself when you are stressed or frustrated. Do you see yourself as appearing kindly, patient, or attractive? Would you say that you envision yourself as expressing your socially approachable self during challenging times, or would you say that you see yourself as seeming out of sorts, bewildered, or maybe even grouchy?
I know that sometimes when I think back on a stressful situation that was hard to handle, I also remember not feeling good about the way I looked or behaved at the time. On the other hand does my hindsight suffer from a nasty streak of judgmentalism? It’s easy to observe the catch-22 going on with such patterns of unkindness toward self. The more I am unkind to myself, the more I feel bad, and the more bad I feel, the more hard on myself I can be.
Babauta composed another glorious piece which really gave me some nurturing food for thought. “Building Trust in Yourself” provides solutions to symptoms that stem from self doubt. Babauta states, “If we fully trust ourselves, life becomes so much easier. We can step into the unknown, out of our comfort zone, take risks, and act with confidence”. As I read his wise words, I thought, goodness sakes, of course! This makes perfect sense. Not only do I feel confident when I have a pretty secure expectation that I will do something well, but I do other things better when I carry that particular positive perception with me into another task. And if this is true for the positive, I think it would be similar in a negative context.
For example, say I have had an especially challenging day, like the kind of day in which there was sour milk in the fridge, traffic all over the place, and reluctant students who kept fiddling with their phones. I might digest this negativity, which in turn, fuels my dissatisfaction with myself. Things didn’t go as planned and I’m not happy about it. If I’m being unkind to myself, I might take all this negativity with me as I progress into what should be a fun evening. I’m playing piano at an open mic and if only it had been a positive day, I would naturally and easily be excited and energetic. But if I let the unexpected hiccups and disappointments of the day decorate my evening vibe, I could very well step onto the stage feeling tense and maybe even a little hazy about the chords or lyrics of my very own song.
The level of trust we have in ourselves determines how well we perform. We need to be confident that we can do as well as we’ve planned and pull through as needed. Trust is a kind of belief— an angle of perception and chosen lens. Mental health professional Hailey Shafir M.Ed emphasizes, “Believing in yourself means having faith and confidence in yourself and your abilities, even when you aren’t completely certain you can do something. It also means being able to maintain some level of confidence even when you mess up or make mistakes”. This sounds clear and simple to me. But it’s not so easy to put into practice. It takes dedication and patience too!
Shafir extrapolates upon 10 specific steps to believing in oneself:
- Interrupt negative thoughts
- Dream bigger and set goals
- Expect and prepare for fears and doubts
- Visualize yourself reaching your goals
- Learn from your mistakes
- Get out of your comfort zone
- Practice self-compassion
- Focus on the positives
- Expand your circle of supportive people
- Rebuild your self-trust
You’ll definitely want to dive into her article to gather all the wonderful ideas that correlate with each point. And do have a browse through Leo Babauta’s Zen Habits Archives for further enriching reading. You can even sign up to get his Zen Habits in your inbox!
Sometimes we spend so much time hunting for a job and giving to others along the way, that we forget to help ourselves. We are the core, the foundation, and the roots of our own world, and we need tending to. Let’s be kind to ourselves so we can be there for each other, and in turn, spread the kindness. There really is more than enough to go around!
Leave a Reply